Distress Signal
by KingOfCrackfics
Summary: The Enterprise tracks a distress signal to a junkyard planet, and Data finds a familiar face. What follows includes laughing gas, broken washing machines and new discoveries. One-shot. Crack-fic. Don't like, don't read :)


A small red diode flashed on Lieutenants Worf's communication console, followed by a soft recurring beep.

"Sir" said Lieutenant Worf, "I have a distress signal coming in on my dashboard"

"It's _not _a dashboard Lieutenant, its a communications console" repremanded the captain.

"Sorry sir, we used to always call them dashboards on the old Klingon Birds of Prey" said Worf

"Where abouts is the signal coming from" asked Ryker, (who changed his name to Riker with an I)

"From the other side of the Alpha quadrant" stated Worf.

"Should we check it out sir?" asked Riker

"Make it so, number One" answered the Captain. "Is the Warp drive online?"

"Just coming online now" interjected Commander Data.

"Good" said Captain Picard to Riker " Engage" he added, with a flick of his index finger. "Hold it at Warp 2."

"Sir, it would be a lot faster to travel at warp 8," stated Data.

"Thank you for that bit of potentially helpful information Commander" said the Captain, "But every time we travel at Warp 3 or higher, I spill my coffee, and I just got my morning cuppa, so Warp 2 we go."

" Acknowledged sir" said Data.

The Enterprise travelled along the designated route to find the source of the distress signal. Most of the bridge carried on with menial assigned tasks for the duration of the journey.

Commander Data was especially busy with his head down, and the Captain noted a slight tinge of exasperation, or at least puzzlement from the Commander.

"Are you ok there Commander?" asked Picard

"Yes sir, fine sir, I just have a small problem here with a crossword I'm doing to fill in the spare time" said Data.

"I see," said the Captain "and what is the question that's causing you so much grief?"

"What is black and white and red all over?" said data

All the others on the bridge laughed which only made Commander Data even more confused.

"Thats an old one" laughed Riker. "Its a newspaper."

"A newspaper?" questioned Data with a puzzled look. "I believe that newspapers are all printed in black and white, I don't see how they can be red."

"Its a metaphor Data" said the captain "they have spelled it wrong, its actually _Read,"_

"A metaphor?" asked Data, "Is that one of those colourful metaphors that Mr Spock was talking about on their infamous trip to the past to retrieve some hump back Whales?"

"No" laughed Deanna Troi "its not a colourful metaphor."

"But red _is _a colour" stated Data matter of factly "I don't understand the metaphor maybe."

"Data, a paper is _read_, after you _read _it, its not red as in the colour red" chuckled Riker.

"Ahhhhh" burst out Data " I see, how ingenious, a hidden meaning encrypted into the text of the question which misapplies the use of the word Red, as the colour, and doubles it with an ulterior meaning, in the use of the word Read, which has the same vocal sound as the word Red, but with an entirely different meaning than that of the colour."

"Well" exhaled Riker " You just killed that crossword with over

Analysing."

Just at that moment the ship disengaged from Warp drive, and to the Captains disdain, he spilled his coffee on his suit as the ship jerked to a stop.

"We must get those anti jerk dampeners fitted to the warp drive tomorrow" complained the Captain, that was darn good coffee.

"Sir" said Worf, "Ive found the source of the signal, its coming from that small M class planet down there"

"Is the atmosphere consistent with all other M class planets Data?" asked the Captain.

"Yes sir, although Im reading higher than normal levels of Nitorous Oxide on the surface" stated Data.

"Laughing Gas?" questioned Riker

"Yes sir, more commonly known as laughing gas." added Data.

"Hmmm" mused the Captain "We will need to send an away team down there, I might suggest you Commander Data, Nitorous Oxide wont affect you at all will it Data?"

"Good Idea Captain" jumped in Riker, " He never laughs at any of my jokes anyway, in fact he never even gets them , so I don't think any amount of laughing gas could hurt, in fact it might be interesting."

"I need one other for the away team, any volunteers" asked the Captain.

"I'll, go" said Riker " I could do with a good laugh, and I wouldn't miss Data being subjected to Nitorous Oxide for the world."

"I guess I could pop in his 'humour' chip" added LaForge joining in the conversation.

"You most certainly will _not_" said Data, "the last time you did that I couldnt stop laughing at a fly missing 1 wing, that was resigned to flying around in circles for 3 hours till it finally died of cardiac arrest after crashing into the wall of the turbolift... it was the most...um... unsettling experience Ive ever had."

"Ahhhh, so _thats _why u were in the turbo lift for 3 hours last month Data, all because of a 1 winged _fly _with navigation problems?... and to think I had to use the steps" said Deanna.

"Ok" said the Captain " So Riker and Data it is. Please report to the transporter pads, oh, and Commander Data, if you _do_ happen to see any more 1 winged flies about in the turbo lift, please put it out of its misery by spraying it with the 'fry fly' spray in the emergency kit attached to the wall ! "

Soon afterwards, Data and Riker were standing on the planet surface near to where the distress signal was being emitted. The planet surface didnt look especially hostile, but there was mountains of old rusty washing machines littering the entire area as far as they could see.

"What is this place?" asked Data, "A washing machine grave yard?"

Riker looked around at all the machines, and suddenly started to smile... the smile soon turned into a giggle, which in turn turned into a deep throaty laugh. Before long, Peals of laughter were coming from Riker, and like usual, Data failed to see what was so funny.

"Sir, I believe you are suffering side afftects from the nitorous Oxide" stated Data.

"S..sss..ssss. suffering.. you say" laughed Riker "this is the best day I've had in years, It's just that everything's sooooooo FUNNY... and the thing that's funny about _that _is, there is nothing particularly funny about a pile of old washing machines.. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…"

By now Riker had lost the plot, he was on the ground laughing so much his belly hurt. Data was having a hard time ignoring the state of Commander RIker, so in the end, he decided to turn on his newly installed, 'Ignore a senior officer in case of emergency' chip. Data turned on the chip, and all of a sudden, Riker's state of laughter faded away.

He then noted that he was reading a lifeform moving in his direction on his tricorder.

An old man appeared from behind a pile of washing machines.

"DATA me boy, how nice to see you after all this time"

"Doctor Soong?" asked Data.

"Yes Data, in the flesh and It would appear that your friend here is suffering from Nitorous Oxide inhalation overdose" said Dr Soong.

Riker was now flat on his back, stamping his feet against the ground laughing at a bent washing machine without a lid that had "I am useless" painted on the side.

"He'll be ok Doctor" said Data, "We'll put him in detox when we get back to the ship, and read him Shakespeare till he so bored that he won't be inclined to laugh for a month."

"Shakespeare?" asked Dr Soong, "read him to much of that and you will have to treat him for depression and have him on Prozac pills for a month."

"Doctor," said Data, "Do you know of any distress signal emitting from this planet?"

"Yes," said the Doctor, "That was me, I ran out of pulley belts on the current project I'm on and need some more urgently."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," laughed Riker, "Pulley Belts, dont you find that hilarious Dr Soong?'

"Not particularly" answered the Dr, "Ive been eating some local herbs here for years to counteract the Nitorous Oxide effects."

"So what is this new project you are working on Doctor?" asked Data.

"Its, top secret" answered the Doctor.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA" laughed Riker, "Top secret, so just HOW top secret is it?"

"Hmmm... pretty top secret" answered Dr Soong, "Half the time I don't even know what I'm doing myself"

"AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH" roared Riker, "Thats the best joke of the day yet."

"What are all these old washing machines for?" asked Data.

"For the top secret project" said Dr Soong. "Did you know my boy, that you were made from parts of that old washing machine on this pile right over here" as he pointed to a machine on a nearby pile.

Data was silent, staring big eyed at the old rusting washing machine. Never before had he came face to face with an ancestor like this. Even without his emotion chip installed, Dr Soong couldn't help but notice a small amount emotion showing, or maybe it was just nostalgia.

Riker's communicator beeped... "Whats happening down there number one?" came Picards voice

"Number 1...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" laughed Riker.

"I believe he's become ...unhinged" said Worf.

"I think you're right Lieutenant" said Picard.

Back on the planet, Data broke his gaze with the old washing machine.

"Sir" Data spoke into his communicator " Dr Soong is the origin of the distress signal, he needs a crate full of pulley belts sir. We could replicate them for him."

"WHAT ! " belted Deanna. "You mean to say we travelled half way across this galaxy just to replicate a pile of pulley belts?"

"It would seem so" stated the Captain.

"Inform Dr Soong that he shall have his pulley belts transported down in a few minutes" said Captain Picard.

"While you are here Data, there is one small adjustment I should make to you. Have you ever bumped that tiny lug behind your right ear before?" asked the Doctor.

"I wasn't aware of any lug behind my ear" Data replied.

Riker was amused and still laughing, "Let me have a looksie Data," he said, and located the lug and flicked it up.

Immediately, Data's head began to swivel around faster and faster.

"Ohhhhh Im getting dizzzzzzyyyyy" yelled Data as his head spun out of control.

This was just too much for Commander Riker, who doubled over in laughter and had spittle coming from the corners of his mouth.

Dr Soong, opened a panel on Data's back and temporarily deactivated him. He made some adjustments internally, then switched him back on.

Data's head slowly stopped spinning. "When it came to a complete stop, Data said "Good thing Geordi removed that vomit chip last week or I would have made a huge mess."

Riker who had just got is breath, broke out in to more laughter.

"It's all ok now Data" said Soong, "I forgot to mend that switch last time I saw you. It was part of the 'spin cycle' from that old washing machine you were made of, it was designed for you to create a temporary gravity field, but the wiring was mixed up and was attached to your head instead of your internal gyroscope. It's all good now."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA " laughed Riker, "Ive never seen Data lose his head like that before. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…"

A few minutes later a crate appeared full of pulley belts. That had Riker rolling on the ground with fresh peals of laughter.

"Well Dr Soong it was nice to see you again." said Data, "But I really must get the Commander back to the Enterprise for detoxing."

"Yes, good to see you to old boy" said Dr Soong slapping Data on the back and jiggling his positronic circuitry about in his head.

"Two to beam up sir" said Data.

Out of the blue, Data ran over to the old washing machine and hugged it. "Goodbye old friend" he whispered. And both he and Riker faded from the planet surface.


End file.
